a start to something new

beautiful new faces. beautiful new hearts. and learning to breathe deeply in a new way.
its amazing to me how God shows up in the midst of complete uncertainty.

Patrick, Jean and I got to Bailey, CO on Saturday afternoon and it has been a flood of emotions. Honestly, not the instant mountain high that I anticipated...but still everything I need. Right now we are still sorting through the change of camp, beginning to know each other more as a spiritual family and learning what it means to embrace the unknown.

P.S. there has been sightings of mountain lions and many bears, I'm just waiting to see one for myself...can't wait!!! Patrick says he'll wrestle it to the ground.

Getting ready for a good night sleep after a long day of work and learning how to not fail at cards as much as I do. Missing you all and sharing the mountain air with you at heart.

also, listen to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRQruZ_oX-8

from here to wherever you are,
marg

funny

thank you songwriter. putting words to how 37% of my heart feels.

"No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God when it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say, "We've got some bad new, sir"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
No one's laughing at God
We're all laughing with God"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aieNKcJcFDw

done away

this is my beautiful friend, kelsi.

i saw this photo in my weakness and i could say, yes, that is me. her hands on the barb wire, probably not pain free, but craving with everything, to go on. to see whats beyond the gate. the gate that's named our limit, when really its just dead wood, crying out for life-like you, and me. she carries the world on her shoulders and the curiosity in those bold eyes. the faint whisper in her lips that says, come with me. the world asks if shes scared? certainly. but her skin is on edge ready to run and flee from that old, painted sweater worn by days and days of yesterday. the trees call her on to bolder days and freedom. push past the unwashed answers and make your own. the journeys brighter there... her small, still smile says she can see.

----------------------------------------

i love this photo. God's beauty and mystery caught in a focal lens.
it has been a rough week of heartache, questions, anguish, uncertainty and reflection.
the whole, why God?
goes unanswered. leaves me breathless. but surprisingly drawing me
closer and closer to Him. Good thing He's jealous for all of me.

my hands tell me that this week is cyclically difficult. i look at the calendar a year ago
today and a year ago before that and go down until i was seven. i think it might be His favorite time of year for me, but for now I can say its not on the list of most beloved moments.

oh, the paradox that it is to feel such a disconnect from everyone you love, but knowing its their love you can't find the will to move without.

apparently, its deeper than the face i put on. the, i'm fine voice done away with. causing me to sketch out my heart with my hands. reminding me of how fragile life is, and how tender our little spirits are inside.

I have a very good friend once tell me to be free.

I think this line of encouragement is backboned with some words of experience and given in love for what they know i need to hear daily.

With this whole Haiti catastrophe, im reminded so much of how incredible this life is, and how in just a second it can end. Maybe a black and white way of looking at it, but i feel there is no gray area to approach it with. For life, as we know it, is not really in our control. We are not bound to a time-frame and likewise we cannot claim every moment we've yet to have.

This is something I've been learning harshly the last few weeks. This life is not my own. I feel new boldness and confidence because of this. I'm not living for myself, or for the appeal of others. For a very long time, too long for what it left me with, I had this problem where I would try and please others and meet them where they were at. Tending to their brokenness and carrying a burden that was also, not mine. Yes, I know that there is a balance and this is a huge part of my heart-serving the hearts of other people I cross paths with-but it is not a duty or something I will recieve an A+ on or what makes me who I am.

I am free to explore this journey ahead of me without the pull of fear or anxiety or stress or the unknowns or being rejected by people that have become a part of me. I am free to discover and more importantly, to change.

2:39 in the morning. If there were a trigger in my brain to turn everything that keeps me nocturnal off, I would claim it. Unfortunately, God gave me the, "i have too many thoughts happening all at once 24/7" gene, and it causes me to lose sleep. When I was a little girl, I channeled these thoughts and feelings appropriately, in my diary. I did this for a long time until a year and a half ago where events happened in my life and my writing began to subside. I've been encouraged recently to start writing again, and this time sharing it. Its an outlet to express the things I don't understand and that I have a tendency to keep hidden behind the phenomenon of make believe. Thanks to a beautiful leather bound journal from Italy, the loving push from my parents and the inability to fall asleep due to this feeling I'm unable to name, I started typing tonight.

Surrendering the root? The name that came to me. Recognizing that there is a root and beginning to the soul ties and misunderstandings and confusion and feeling and direction and oxygen that breathes into my heart. Now, needing to surrender it all and let the root follow its natural course...to grow into something beautiful. My faith has become an inescapable source of life. There is no more running, God's caught me where He wants me. I feel like putty. It's kind of fun, except I'm not the kindergartner in control of the shape it takes this time.