I've realized the last few weeks- with the exception of a very small handful of those that know my heart- I've yet to share my story out loud. With respect, yet disagreement, with those that say this is a dangerous line to cross- I'm going to cross. After all, its not my cross to bear.
When I was five, I didn't understand death, but I was able to experience its mourning when my mom-mom passed away into Light. I asked for her day after day, and after enough bare knocks at the door, mom thought it best to do what I do and write. So in scribbled words I said my I love you and sent it to the sky in the red balloon.
Everything changed after she died.
About this time, age 7 or 8, I thought about this God guy a whole lot. Being a pastors daughter and child of a strong and faith-filled family I heard His name, thankfully, often. What I got was that it was this big guy up in the sky who watched over me to make sure the bad guys didn't get me and had more love than my mom and dad combined, and thats alot. All the good stories I heard, like Noah and David and Goliath, were about Him.
This was very simple, but almost so simple that it confused me. Mom and dad, up till now, say that I'm intuitive. So that nature inside of me constantly asked questions. I kept a lot inside during those years. I was stuck on this line between a church filled with the excitement of new beginnings and an extended family that seemed to be hurting. Hurt was another thing I understood far too well as I child. It is a burden my heart chose to bear, for more than just myself. God has both graced me and grown me with this draw towards brokenness. But as a young child it meant buried pieces of my heart and a sadness I kept within. I didn't realize it was a choice, I didn't realize it was something God wanted to do for me. My parents had shown me that choice all through the years, but for some reason I didn't allow myself to see it.
Here's the time line of my faith walk to follow:
At the age of 13 I asked Jesus into my heart at work camp when I realized I didn't have to be saved over and over again...At age 16 I asked Him to be my friend, the one I could talk to at night... At age 19 I learned that He loved me... and at age 21 I learned of His grace.
But in between that was a whole lot of pain. Done to others, and done to me.
Between the ages of 11 and 19 I experienced the brokenness in people, including myself. I found myself chained to the belief that men are filthy, hurtful, and only there to feel some temporal form of love and satisfaction from us women. This stemmed from someone very important in my life who chose to leave his family. While my dad has always been a man of grace and loved my mom and us unconditionally; even going as far to kissing her in front of us and sharing his joy of us in his sermons, he was the epitome of great and in my mind I would never reach that; from my shoes, it looked so easy- as though this other man could just walk out the door and into something "better", more suitable for his needs. This left a mark in my heart that I would bear for years. Between 15 and 18 I was taken advantage of in many different forms, from many different people, some strangers and some I knew well from my circle of friends. I was fed the lie that it was my fault I was being used, that I deserved this hurt, that I caused the pain. I felt shame and I felt loneliness. And I covered it with a mask of happiness-something temporary, something blind.
My life was a secret. At church I was one person- the girl who smiled at the door, parents respected and friends called their confidant...at home I was another- angry and sad, without the knowledge of the distance I was putting between my family and I and them without being given the knowledge of what I was going through- and at school I was the one who wanted to help everyone around me and plan the fun on the weekends. It was scary and it was pulling me in slowly.
The summer after my senior year of high school God brought four girls into my life who poured in truth, love and challenge for that three month season. They gave me strength to get on my feet, smile (in joy) and the ability to move forward with the life I could have if I allowed myself the room for honesty and healing. Though I didn't share total truth with my family, I opened myself up again and allowed my parents and brother and sister to be a part of me as I headed off to college. I finally allowed them to be my solid rock and my constant support.
College brought me out. I had fun, pure fun, with girlfriends, for the first time in years. We would have dance parties, sing cheesy taylor swift songs, write love letters to each other, make hometown visits and pray together.
It was healthy, but the question still dwelled inside me- How can God love me? I had little knowledge that God was craving that love relationship with me. A friend came back into my life that year and introduced me to Campus Crusade for Christ...now known as CRU! It changed me and brought me to the place I now call my second home...Colorado.
In Colorado, a collection of beauty happened, but I'll keep it short.
1. God satisfies. 2. I defined lifers. And I met some. 3. I discovered my fixation for jeeps.
4. I didn't have to put on a face for others to see. 5. Someone called me beautiful, and I knew it was true. 6. I went to the hospital and didn't climb. 7. I met a brother. 8.Surrender to your fears
9. Jeneva (a story had, and a story in the making...tune in soon)
Over the next two years (2009-present), Jesus brought me to my knees and it has been the most beautiful and painful time in my life. One thinks that physical pain digs deeper than the skin can bear. Though this may be true, the pain of the heart doesn't waiver or cease until the healing covers it.
I met someone who came into my life and in the simplicity of words, changed my life. For the first time I knew the love of the Lord, and I pushed it away, believing the lie that I was not enough for Him. It had little to do with the things of my friend, and everything to do with the wall I had put up with my Jesus. I wasn't willing to let Him love me, afraid that I would fail. Afraid that if I let Him love me, than the love of others would one day run thin. While I experienced the greatest adventures and the deepest kind of love and the truest laughter, I also endeavored the greatest loss, and the most beautiful.
In that loss a letting go happened. A letting go of my control, of my need to fix what is not mine, of the fear that this world is greater than God. But you know what? God has gathered these ashes, He's let them sit in my hands and burn and peel back the layers of my pained skin. He has come in and breathed new life. He has let me know grace and the truth of this, love is real. And it is unfaltering when its given in God's timing.
Three things happened:
First, I fell hard. And I yelled and fought and tried to fix the things which weren't mine to fix. I tried to play God. And my family carried me through. Family is always at the heart. Whether a hand from my dad and a tear to feel with me, words of truth from my mom and a body to fold into, a text from my brother and questions to understand, and the simple "you're my best friend" from my sister.
Then, God brought me my Ruth. Her name is Meg (an). In the story of Ruth, Naomi is left without her husband and her sons. Ruth, left with loss as well. God brought Ruth into Naomi's life to follow and learn from her, to love her and take care of her. In my greatest time of need the Lord showed Himself to me in many ways- through much needed family, and machiattos, and bike rides, and long walks, and hammocks and journaling and guitars, and through friends. Meg was a cornerstone. To stop looking outward, and start looking inward to the roots of the unfolding. They didn't begin last fall. They began when I was a little girl and I chose to bury my burdens instead of letting the love of God hold them high.
And finally, I went back to the place that hurt the most. Did I want to? No. It was filled with memorable noise, the sanctity of friends and the inability to run, which I profess to have a history with.
The Lord gave me another part of my family- filled with faith, and routine and ambitions and truth.
The mornings were slowly filled with an eagerness, not anxiousness. An ability to miss the good without falling prey to the sadness. An anticipation of the next step, and not so many looks behind. Asking myself, what can I do? Not what could I have done.
He also led me to a clearer understanding of this coming season of my life, which I am so excited to share when the time is right. Absolutely stoked.
Mostly though,
He peeled back that final layer of my skin. The one that let me see Himself.
He gave me the strength to cry, to breathe, to stand alone, to sleep and to wake up knowing this...
It is only the beginning and its time, to know the gifts, of waiting in Him.
This is nothing that anyone could have done for me. This is something God has been doing through those around me, and through His Spirit, but it was up to me to recieve it.
and for now, that's a story to be told. One that I smile at.
love,
m
<3 your heart is so beautiful margot. Im so grateful that I know you. Love you sweet sister!
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